#Scriptory is a series of whimsical essays that toys with the three following elements: Historical Oddities + Scriptwriting Format + Satire
Read the rest of the series here:
#Scriptory 1: Albert Einstein
#Scriptory 2: Winston Churchill
#Scriptory 3: Leo Tolstoy & Abe Lincoln
So, I’ve been making my way through William Manchester’s The Last Lion series on Winston Churchill.
And by “making my way through”, I mean I skipped straight to the second volume (Alone: 1932-1940) of the three-volume set and have only read 84 pages of the total 3000-page trilogy.
Even having only completed 3% of the series, though, I was blown away by two revelations from Alone: 1932-1940.
The first revelation was that Churchill’s drinking exploits – while very impressive – were slightly less insane than popular perception would have us think:
“However, the legend that he is a heavy drinker is quite untrue. Churchill is a sensible, if unorthodox, drinker. There is always some alcohol in his bloodstream, and it reaches its peak late in the evening after he has had two or three scotches, several glasses of champagne, at least two brandies, and a high ball, but his family never sees him the worse for drink.”
While certainly “unorthodox”, Manchester may be stretching it a bit by calling Churchill’s habits “sensible”. Churchill could probably drop like one scotch and a few glasses of champagne to be more “sensible”. That is a pretty insane amount of alcohol to have on a daily basis – “AND A HIGHBALL!!!” – but I guess there is a clear commitment to pacing, which is kinda “sensible”.
Ever the performer, though, it seems Churchill was putting on a bit of an act with this liquid diet. He was also potentially overcompensating for a perceived public weakness.
“He encourages absurd myths about his alcoholic capacity, however, partly to furbish his macho image, which needs it because he cries so often in public. (I’m a blubber,” he cheerfully tells friends), and partly because Europeans still like to think that their leaders are men who can hold their liquor. Winston tipples off and on all day but never gets drunk.”
As always, Churchill sums it up best in his own words; and HE really was the one with the best words.
“All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
Now, to the second revelation. Winston Churchill’s morning routine was incredible! For those Tim Ferriss – obsessed self-improvers, I present to you Churchill’s 6 Rules To Get Your Day Started Right:
1) Have The Sickest Robes At The Ready
“Emerging from his bath pink and clean, he waits impatiently until [his butler Mr.] Inches has towelled him dry and then slips into one of two worn-out cherished dressing gowns. The more subdued is dark blue velvet; the other a riot of green and gold displaying a scarlet dragon coiled sinuously around his plump torso.”
2) Hire Help So You Never Have To Leave Your Bed
“Churchill will remain in bed all morning, and for a man with tender skin this invites bedsores. Therefore Inches has brought a basket of large sponges, which he now deftly thrusts between the sheet and the most vulnerable parts of Chuchillian anatomy as his master yaws this way and that.”
(I repeat, “Churchillian anatomy”)
3) Waking & Baking Is Encouraged
“Having tasted the first scotch…Churchill then lights his first cigar of the day…he moistens one end of a fresh cigar, pierces it with a long match, blows through it from the other end to clear a passage, and lights it from the candle that always stands by his bed. During the course of a day, he may consume ten or more cigars, but he seldom smokes one through. Indeed, most of the time it will be unlit. He simply chews them and never inhales.”
4) Read. Lots. And With Zero Regard For Anything Else.
“The morning papers are neatly stacked by the bed, with The Times and the Daily Telegraph on top of the Daily Worker on the bottom. Editorials are read first, frequently with such intense concentration that the newspaper print may become hopelessly smeared with jam. That is a servant’s problem, not his; when Winston has finished a page, he simply lets it slide to the floor.”
5) Make Sure All Guests Announce Themselves
“As he glares at the last page of the Worker, Mrs. P. or Grace Hamblin – later to be joined by Kathleen Hill – enters the room. It is important that she do so boldly, even noisily; her employer is not deaf, but he dislikes surprises. If someone glides in, he will rise wrathfully and roar: “Goddamnit!”.
6) Answer Emails
“Now he seldom puts word on paper himself – except when affixing his signature, correcting galley proofs, or writing close friends and his immediate family – and he normally uses fountain pens, blue ink for correspondence, red for proofs. The humblest correspondence receives a reply, but the secretary writes it. Winston merely outlines the most general way what he wants said and she, familiar with his style and love of anachoristic phrases (“sorely tired”, “most grieved”, “keenly elated”, “pray give me the fact”, “highly diverted”), fills it out.”
Boom! Six steps to morning success with nary a rowing machine or green protein drink in sight.
With that, let’s get into Scriptory #2, the inspiration for which will be the wartime meeting between US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Churchill at the White House in the weeks following Pearl Harbor.
During Churchill’s three-week visit to Washington, legend has it that FDR entered the British PM’s room as the latter was emerging naked from the bathtub.
Giving zero f***s as always, Churchill proceeded to drop the legendary line: “You see Mr. President, I have nothing to conceal from you”.
